Week 9

Thursday, 26 July 2012

I felt some tightening in my womb, a bit like the Braxton-Hicks contractions I felt in the later parts of my previous pregnancy. But I didn't think much of it.

Friday, 27 July 2012

I felt a couple more of those false contractions. Since my appointment with my gynae was scheduled for the next day, I didn't see the need to rush to KK. In fact, after the episode was over, I forgot about it.

Saturday, 28 July 2012

Huda and I woke up at 4am to watch the Opening Ceremony of the Olympics. Huda has been looking forward to the Oympics for so long. We then had our sahur and watched the rest of the Opening Ceremony. After that we got ready - me heading to KK Hospital for my appointment while my husband sent Huda for her madrasah.

I reached the hospital and everything looked so familiar. I headed for the clinic where I was gonna see the gynae. As it was my first appointment, I was asked a lot of questions at the counter and a lot of forms had to be filled. That I have 2 kids and one miscarriage. That the kids were all born at the same hospital and that the first one was a premie. That I breastfed each of the 2 kids for 2 years each. That I would breastfeed this 3rd child for a similar duration. And after all the questions were answered and forms were filled and more forms were signed, I was given a gift pack comprising newborn diapers and other newborn paraphernalia.

After the routine tests - height, weight, blood pressure, urine tests - I waited for the doctor to call me. There weren't many people at the waiting area. Perhaps 9am appointments on Saturday mornings were not the most popular slots.

Barely finishing the first article in the first magazine that I took, my name was called. I entered the doctor's office and she confirmed my details and history. 2 C-sections and one miscarriage. Then, she told me to climb onto the bed for the scan. 

She applied some gel on my tummy and started running the scanning thing all over. Immediately, I noticed something amiss. 

During my first pregnancy with Huda, I was sent to the hospital at Week 8 with a terrible case of dehydration. Despite the non-stop vomiting, the moment the doctor scanned my womb, the first thing I noticed was the strong heartbeat. There it was, pulsing madly to tell me, "Mak! Look! I'm okay!"

This time, I could clearly see the outline of the baby but where was that pulsing heartbeat?

The doctor told me that she had to do a vaginal scan since the normal scan didn't show the heartbeat. At the back of my mind, I knew things weren't right. This is Week 9. The heartbeat should be easily seen by now!

The heartbeat didn't show up during the vaginal scan either. 

The doctor then told me that she'll get me to do my scan at the second floor scanning centre where "the machines are bigger and stronger."

While waiting outside her room for someone to take me there, I started tearing. No heartbeat.

I sent a few texts to TheHusband but forbade him from calling me because I would not be able to stop my tears from pouring if I were to start talking. 

I went to the scanning place and thankfully, again, a relatively empty waiting area. Tears fell but I tried to stem the flow.

It was time for me to have my scan. I did not see anything pulsating. I saw a clear outline of a baby who is dated at Week 8 Day 5. That's when the baby stopped growing. No FH, I saw the sonographer typing. No Foetal Heartbeat. I asked, no heartbeat? No, the sonographer replied.

I could no longer control the flow of my tears. They just came pouring out. The sonographer passed me a wad of tissue paper. Texted TheHusband again who would join me as soon as he picked Huda up from the madrasah. Told him to inform my parents because I could not talk.

After the scan, I returned to the gynae's waiting room. There were a lot more people by then. Happy pregnant women. I hate to cry when the people around me were so cheerful. I must have cut quite a sad figure, all alone, frantically wiping away my tears.

When I saw my gynae again, I just started crying non-stop. She was very patient with me, explaining my options. In between my sobs, I managed to ask her if the heartbeat would ever appear at a later date. Knowing then that the baby was dead and that there would be no hope at all, I opted for immediate 'evacuation of the womb'. 

She asked me repeatedly if I wanted to wait for my husband to come before I made my decision but my heart was set. I didn't see why I should prolong my agony and make a return trip to KK for the procedure. Besides, TheHusband would respect whatever decision I made.

I was taken to another room where I would have some blood taken and be given something to open up the cervix. This would allow for the baby to be sucked out from the womb. 

A familiar nurse, Nurse Christine, who had been around since the time I was pregnant with Huda, escorted me to the counter to make payment and escorted me to the admission counter to settle my admission to the hospital. At the first counter, I took out the gift pack I received earlier and whispered about not wanting it. Nurse Christine tactfully got someone to take the gift pack away. 

During the admission procedure, I started shivering uncontrollably, a side effect of the medication to open up the cervix. Between my heaving sobs and the shivering, I was a wreck.

A porter came to take me to my room. TheHusband and kids would only see me there as they were still on the way to the hospital. In the lift, a newborn baby was being wheeled to another level. The baby cried. My eyes were completely blurred by tears.

In between all the waiting and while my eyes were less blurry, I whatsapped my siblings and my RO in school. My P immediately sent a kind text and my VP called and even came to visit. (How can I ever think of leaving the school like this?)

TheHusband and Kids came shortly after. No kids ever want to see their parents ill. Mine too. Both Huda and Farah didn't quite know how to react. They just stood at the side of the bed and the script my husband had prepared for them went unsaid. 

A couple of minutes later, the Operating Theatre was ready. My family escorted me to the OT. Once there, we said our goodbyes and Farah reminded me to recite my prayers.

This was my third visit to an OT in my entire life. For this, I was given a general anaesthesia. Only pregnancies of 14 weeks and above are given the local anaesthesia. Just as well. I really don't fancy a jab on the spine. For what I thought was a simple procedure, there were quite a few people in there. Maybe they were just passing through but I passed out much too soon.

When I woke up, it was 1 and half hours later. The procedure was done. My baby was gone.