Woes of A Working Mom

I've always had this problem when assigned a task. I will have a strong compulsion to carry out the task to the best of my ability even if it means that I have to sacrifice sleep and social life to complete it. 

It wasn't much of a problem when I was single. With no commitments, sactifices are easy to make. And even when I was married without children, The Husband understands that there are busy days and that there will be relaxing days.

Sometimes, even if I have a team of people to complete the task with me, I'd rather do most of the work myself than try to cajole unwilling and reluctant people into doing the work. People say that good leaders are those who are able to delegate tasks. I know I'm not (able to delegate tasks so I am a...)

I've never really minded doing more than my fair share. When the job is done, I'll feel satisified that it's a job well-done. But more important than that, I'll be able to sleep peacefully at night knowing that a responsibility given to me has been carried out well.

And that's exactly the crossroads I'm facing now.

The biggest responsibility that has been bestowed upon me so far is motherhood.

Up till now, I still cannot resolve the fact that my parents are taking care of Huda while I go to work. They are the ones who are practically raising Huda because they are with her throughout most of her waking hours.

Another issue I'm facing is guilt. My parents are not supposed to be doing this. They should be enjoying their retirement days. They have never once complained to me but I feel really bad that they now must plan their schedule around my schedule. (I have a huge guilty conscience so I feel bad about almost everything(!!) - really a huge impediment at times.)

At work, I have 38 children to take care of and no matter what happens, they absolutely must pass their English by the end of this year. Presently, they are U-graders. I am responsible towards them too.

And I don't know how long I can sit on the sidelines at work and watch and duck as others rush for meetings and special projects and more additional responsibilities. I have this nagging  feeling that perhaps soon, the arrows will land on me. (I have been told that those who take the graduating classes are offloaded significantly but, really, one can never be too sure..)

These are the issues that I've been thinking about.

In essence, how can I do my very best for my little girl if I'm still working?

I ask myself these questions regularly:

Why am I still working? To enjoy maternity benefits. To save more money. To make sure that I have a healthy CPF account. (Honestly, other than #1, the rest are not really very attractive reasons. By the way, no, I'm not pregnant yet. I'll be able to start trying again next month and will inform everyone after I've reached Week 8.)

I really can't continue being a full-time working mom for long. It's just tearing me apart. I know that my idyllic days at work are going to end sooner or later (let's pray for later).