Ketulusan Hati

A few years ago, I saw Anuar Zain on TV doing a Hari Raya show on Suria.

Immediately, I joined his legions of fans.

I have never really been a fan of any singers/groups etc so this was new territory for me. Errr... okay. There was Clay Aiken. I called myself a Claymaniac and The Husband just shook his head but still indulged me and bought me his CD. That lasted about a year or so.

Stil, Anuar Zain has got to be my longest-lasting interest.

And when I said I melted watching him on TV, this is why:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O5TeuJ1ucEY

(Psst.. You can skip the banter between Anuar Zain, Najip & Has and go straight to 3:02.)

*swoons* 

Stories from The First Month

I am, of course, supposed to do something else now. Now that I'm back at work, I hardly have time to blog. (I much rather spend whatever little free time I have perfecting my Desktop Towers points. Yes, I'm still addicted to that game. Gaaaah!!)

Just to summarise the events of my life thus far:

1. Going back to work was daunting. Very daunting. For the first three days, every morning was spent sobbing away. On some days, Huda woke up just when I kissed her goodbye and she would cry and so would I. Those days, I boarded the feeder service to the MRT station with red, puffy eyes. Then, when I talked to my colleagues about parting with the little girl, tears welled up in my eyes. Sigh.

2. By Friday of the first week, the stress of going back to work must have got to me. I went to the toilet and saw blood. Just a week earlier, I saw 2 lines on the pregnancy test kit. I had a miscarriage. :( I was a complete wreck for the first week. I actually saw myself going through the five stages of grief. (I hate it when social scientists manage to point out human behaviour with great accuracy.) I'm normally a positive person so the self-blame, anger and more self-blame were not very me. Eventually, I decided that I've just experienced a loss (even if the baby in the womb is only 6 weeks old) and I should mourn my loss, no matter how small it is. So, I spent a few days not trying to suppress the grieving and was fine about 2 weeks later.

3. And last week, I lost my phone at the pasar malam beside Causeway Point. It either fell to its death (not likely cos I would have noticed it) or was stolen from my bag. I was carrying Huda in front in the baby carrier and on my shoulder was a shopping bag which contained a loaf of bread, butter, some vegetables and snacks. So, you can imagine how big the opening of the bag is. After using the phone, I threw it back inside the bag. Then, The Husband who was waiting for me at the MRT station called me repeatedly. I didn't hear it ring but I attributed it to the loud ambient noise. (I have a tendency to use words whose meanings I'm not 100% sure of. I assume 'ambient' means surrounding. :P) In the bus on the way back, I realised my phone was not with me. The Husband called my number and was diverted to the voicemail. Damn the #%*& who took my phone. I hope they'll develop huge warts on their noses which can never be removed.

4. I failed my practical driving test. But, having had so many losses this month, failing a driving test is nothing.

5. On a positive note, it was a euphoric moment when I saw Anuar Zain on TV singing Ketulusan Hati. I'm playing the CD (which my indulgent Husband bought for me last month) over and over again now. *melts*

Priceless

Aili blogging about the priceless gifts she received from Edna reminded me of something similar.

Some 2 years ago, when I was stuck in the labour ward for a week, my then 4-year-old nephew, Azhad, drew a picture of The Husband, me and the unborn Huda and wrote a message below it: "We pray that Cik Ira (that's me) and Huda will be safe."

When The Husband brought the picture to me (strictly no visitors in the labour ward other than the spouse), I asked the nurses for some tape and stuck the picture on the cupboard beside my bed. I constantly looked at the drawing throughout my stay in the hospital.

Fast forward 2 years later, I was again in hospital and my now 6-year-old nephew brought me another picture.

These drawings are things money can never buy and at this stage in life when we can buy almost anything we want, priceless gifts like these are the best. 

:)

 

An Empty Womb

Monday, 31 December 2007

2 lines! 2 lines! Alhamdulillah! The bloatedness and the constant burping over the past 2 weeks had to mean something.

 

Friday, 4 January 2008

Blood. "This is the end of my pregnancy," I thought.

But, after some 3 hours, I decided to go to KK. Yingchia's call gave me hope. She had the same thing at the beginning of her pregnancy and she's 4 months along now. "We have hope," I told The Husband.

Hospitalised. Doctor couldn't see the sac. Could it be because I was only 6 weeks pregnant? The baby's in there somewhere, I was so sure. But blood tests showed a declining hormone level.

I've had a miscarriage. It's confirmed.

    ~~~

For the first 2 days of so, I was calm. Strangely so. The Husband was terribly affected the night I was hospitalised. I told him that this is Allah's will. He has a reason for this, I'm sure. And we have to be grateful that the miscarriage happened in the 6th week. Not after we've seen our baby's heart beating.

But, by Sunday evening, as the world around me slept, I started to reflect on the events of the past week and I wondered if I could have avoided the miscarriage.

One gynae told me that the next time I'm pregnant, I should see her immediately and she would start me on a course of medication to thin my blood. My previous pregnancy, I had a problem with resistance in the vein that supplies blood to the placenta, probably because my blood was too thick?

After the miscarriage, I started reading a lot of online articles to understand what happened. A few articles mentioned that if the blood passed out has lots of clots, the patient must take aspirins or similar medications which can thin the blood.

Had I seen a gynae immediately, would I have been able to avoid the miscarriage?

Is It Me?

Why?

 

My first pregnancy was fraught with complications and my baby had to be delivered early because she wasn't growing well in my womb.

 

And now, a miscarriage.

 

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Allah knows best, I keep on telling myself.